When you’re getting a divorce, it’s only natural to seek comfort, insight, or just a sounding board. And friends, family, and colleagues often show up with plenty of “advice.”
They mean well. They love you. They want to protect you—and sometimes that protection sounds a lot like judgment, pressure, or even panic.
But here’s what I want to gently offer you:
Divorce isn’t one-size-fits-all.
What worked for your best friend… might not work for you.
What your sister regrets doing… might not even apply to your situation.
And the advice your coworker got from her attorney… wasn’t legal advice for you.
Learning from Others Is Valuable—To a Point
There’s nothing wrong with talking to people who’ve been divorced. In fact, it can be incredibly validating to feel seen, heard, and understood by someone who’s lived through it.
But there’s a difference between listening to learn… and letting someone else’s experience drive your decisions.
Other people’s divorces happened within a unique context—different personalities, parenting dynamics, assets, debts, emotional wounds, communication styles, and levels of conflict.
You’re not doing divorce wrong by asking questions. You just need to ask the right questions of the right people—starting with yourself.
Use the “Things to Investigate” Box
When someone gives you advice (solicited or not), try this:
- Pause before you accept it as truth.
- Ask: Does this apply to my unique situation?
- If you’re unsure, drop it in the mental “Things to Investigate” box.
Then do your own research—or talk to a qualified professional who understands divorce law, financial planning, or emotional support through this transition.
The Emotional Trap: When Divorce Advice Feels Like Validation
Let’s be honest. Getting a divorce is activating. It stirs up old wounds, guilt, anger, fear, and a whole lot of “what ifs.” So when someone tells you, “You should take him to court!” or “Don’t give him anything more than you have to!”—it can feel like someone’s finally agreeing with you. Backing you up. Giving you permission to fight.
But here’s what’s also true:
That same advice could cost you more stress, more conflict, more legal bills, and a co-parenting dynamic you’ll later wish you had protected.
Why Well-Meaning Advice Can Backfire
Even the people who love you most—especially them—may offer advice that’s filtered through their fears, biases, and beliefs about what a “good mom” should do.
But they’re not living in your shoes.
They’re not raising your kids, navigating your marriage, or carrying your emotional load. They’re not the expert on your life.
You are.
And sometimes, their emotional reactions can unintentionally amplify yours.
Without meaning to, they may:
- Add to your stress
- Escalate conflict between you and your spouse
- Pull your focus away from what’s actually in your children’s best interests
- Encourage legal strategies that aren’t realistic or don’t reflect your values
All of which can create more confusion, slow your progress, and drive up emotional and legal costs.
Unless they’re trained divorce professionals (attorneys, mediators, therapists, divorce coaches, financial specialists), they likely don’t understand the broader implications of the advice they’re giving you.
So What’s a Better Way?
You don’t have to tune everyone out. Just tune them in through a filter of discernment.
Ask yourself:
- Does this person know the full picture?
- Do they understand what matters most to me?
- Am I just looking for someone to validate my fear, frustration, or anger?
- Have I talked to a professional about this issue?
And most importantly: Am I choosing this path because it’s right—or because it feels good in the moment?
Final Word
You deserve support. And you deserve support that serves you—not just emotional backup that makes you feel better short-term, but compromises what you’re building long-term.
Listen to others with love. Then check in with yourself.
Your divorce is not anyone else’s rerun.
You get to write this chapter differently.
